Our engagement...

Halloween marks two years since my engagement to Serge. Last year I wrote a post dedicated to Serge – it was heartfelt and loved up (you can read it here). I am too lazy for that nonsense this year! Instead, I thought I would answer the question that you often ask – how did Serge and I get engage?

My love affair with Pavlova...

Pavlova

As you all know, I am obsessed with Pavlova. As my ‘quasi-bucket list’ states – if Pavlova is on the menu at a restaurant, I must order it.

I am a Pavlova snob. I am a traditionalist – no chocolate allowed and no Coles pre-made bases! I also have very high standards for myself when it comes to baking a Pavlova. The pressure and stress I feel when a Pavlova is in the oven is ridiculous!

Lessons from unattractive blubbery tears...

As many of you know last weekend I surprised Serge with a night away. Yes, I know what you are all thinking I am the one with cancer, I should be treated to surprise weekend’s away… I joke!! You all know what an amazing man Serge is and that he is very deserving of a weekend away. If money grew on trees Serge would be treated to lots of surprises – we can only dream!

Serge and I have had a pretty hectic last few months with my sinuses playing up and Serge has been busy with work. We have both been a little bit low and getting a bit narky at each other. We haven't had much time to be madly in love. We always try and spend our free days together and do something special, but this just hasn’t happened. And since the purchase of our little humble abode, planning our next big adventure seems a bit irresponsible. However, having an adventure on our horizon in many ways keeps us going, in particular me – it gives me something tangible to focus on. Once again, if only money grew on trees…

My healing pup...

Crazy dog lady here! Today is our beautiful Ralph’s 1^st birthday and what better way to celebrate than to write a little blog post about what joy and love he has brought to our life – especially mine.

I am going to be honest – I am not a dog person, I never have been and probably never will be. I am a Ralph person. The desire to introduce a little pup to our life was definitely a shock. I did not ever anticipate that I would so badly want a puppy. Nor did I anticipate that I would have my armour and sword drawn ready to battle our landlords (my parents) and future body corporates during the hunt to buy our own place.

So what was it over a year ago that made me start the hunt for a puppy and, in turn, convince Serge that we NEEDED a puppy?

Birthday tears...

For those of you that follow the Dear Melanoma Facebook Page and Instagram page, you would know that a few weeks ago it was my birthday. I was very much looking forward to the day/week and was excited (like the 23 birthdays prior), but instead I was gifted with an emotional break down.

My break down was not because I didn’t get lots of love from my family and friends. It wasn’t because certain family members or friends could not be there to celebrate.

Instead, it was 100% my fault – I put too much pressure on this celebration. I put too much pressure on making memories. I put too much pressure on making sure that this birthday was worthy of being potentially my last.

‘I wish I could be married to you forever'...

Last night Serge broke my heart a little bit…

Let me set the scene. I am in bed watching half (more like three quarter) naked men in Magic Mike – a girl has to prepare herself adequately for the sequel. Serge wanders in with his shirt tucked into his tracksuit pants that are sitting above his belly button – hot! We both laugh at the irony and I think to myself, ‘where did I go wrong?!?’

Only joking! Although that did indeed happen, that is not the moment where my heart broke a little bit. It was the moment following the belly laughs. Serge stops and tells me, ‘I wish I could be married to you forever.’

My bittersweet Mother's Day...

I have decided to share with you what would have been my first ever blog post on Dear Melanoma… but I chickened out! Here it is a year and one day on!

Tomorrow we celebrate Mother’s Day, a day that has always been low-key in my family home, but still a day that never goes without some kind of token to celebrate or treat my mum. I want to write about some of my own feelings that have been with me for some months now. Feelings that I have not openly shared.

I have always thought that I was born to be a mum. When I was at school, especially in high school, I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up; I never really had an answer. Most of my peers would list endless careers, but I couldn’t. I just knew I wanted to be a mum. My career would simply have to fit around me being a mum.

What is next for Dear Melanoma? Planning for the immediate future...

Here we are again – I find myself sitting in the radiology department at the PA hospital hungry, having fasted all day, and drinking contrast disguised as ‘delicious’ (a very big hint of sarcasm) lemon cordial, all of this for a 10 minute CT scan. A scan that will hopefully tell us that treatment is still working and those little suckers of tumours riddling my body are shrinking.

It looks like the hospital is running behind and I may be sitting here awhile, so what better way to spend my time than writing a blog.

This scan could very well decide my future. Unlike previous treatments, I am feeling very unfazed and not stressed. So, I am not going to write a blog fearing the future and its uncertainty, instead I am going to write about what is next in the world of Emma and Dear Melanoma.

Just Emma...

As many of my friends head back to university this week, I reflect on life before cancer. A life where I was just Emma, not Emma with cancer.

The other night I had a little cry to Serge. I was upset because I felt that there are people in our life that know only one side of me – the side that has dominated the last 18 months of life.

I forget what it is like to have people ask what I studied, where I worked, what my career aspirations were. Yes, all these I speak of in the past tense because the reality is that, unless a miracle occurs, these are indeed memories and dreams that were pre-cancer.

The year that was...

I thought I would get in early and reflect on the year, and what a year it has been!

As I always say, most people would consider that my year has been the epitome of shitty, but gosh there was a lot of joy shoved in there.

It was January 6 when we found out that my treatment was not working and the cancer had spread to most of my major organs. And it was on this date that I asked my doctor how long I had to live, and the response was only months. We were told to go and do what we had to do and to live… you know its not good when your doctor gives you that kind of freedom!

With this news, we entered 2014 with the need to make memories.

A wonderful organisation called Redkite...

This is an important blog. It is important because I want to highlight the amazing work of a very special organisation.

Redkite is an organisation set up to support young people (under the age of 24) with cancer, as well as their family. Their support is extensive and holistic. They do not just look after the person with cancer, but make sure the patient’s family and friends have the support necessary to get through this difficult time. They ensure that the impact of cancer does not cause financial stress. They assist young people to continue to achieve their career and educational aspirations. They provide emotional support and guidance. And, when necessary, they support their clients through grief and loss.

Pretty amazing, aren’t they?

My life in limbo...

 A few weeks ago, I shared on my Dear Melanoma Facebook page that I had made an appointment to go and see one of the psychologists at the Cancer Council office in Brisbane. I shared this piece of very personal information because I wanted other people to know that I am not this crazy strong young woman that you might think I am from reading my blog or interacting with me online. And, although my treatment is going well, I still struggle with living every day knowing that my time is short. I needed to see a psychologist to have a good cry to and work out how I am going to navigate life with a terminal diagnosis.

When asked by the psychologist at my first session what I wanted help with, I told her that I was struggling with balancing living each day like its my last and living a life where I look forward and plan for the future… but a short future. I needed to know how to navigate a life in limbo.

Thank you for 6 months of support and love...

Last night I was so excited to see that the Dear Melanoma facebook page reached 2000 likes. I wanted to take the opportunity to thank everyone that has followed my journey.

Earlier this year I was going back and forth about whether I wanted to document my life with melanoma. I knew that my friends and family would read it, but never did I expect that I would be opening my life to be scrutinised in the best possible way by the public. Over 65 000 people have read my blog – wow! People know my face and my story and are not afraid to stop me when I am out and about. I knew that if I was to do this, I wanted to write a blog that was 100% honest. This meant that there would be hours spent in front of my laptop with tears running down my face documenting some of my saddest moments and some of my biggest fears I have about dying.

When photos take on a new meaning...

Yesterday Serge, Ralph and I went and had photos with the lovely Tanya, from Tanya Love Photography. Tanya was our wedding photographer and has been an important part of our journey the last year and a bit.

I have been planning for a few weeks now for us to have some photos taken – I wanted to capture some moments with Ralph when he is still a scrumptious little puppy. However, I only told Serge about the photo shoot a few days before. When I told Serge about the photos, he looked at me with disgust. He didn’t really feel like taking his Saturday afternoon to go and have photos, but I gently reminded Serge about the importance of photos.

A dedication to my husband. Serge...

The 31^st October is a special time for Serge and I, not because it is Halloween, but because it marks a year since we got engaged.

Tonight I want to dedicate this blog to what an amazing man my husband is – the sacrifices he has made for our love and all the joy that he brings to my life.

As a very wise woman (Rebecca Sparrow) said to me, not everyone is lucky enough to find a Great Love in his or her lifetime. Although my lifetime may be short, I am so very lucky that Serge arrived when I needed him most.

Hope in death...

In January, I was sitting down with a palliative care team discussing how I wanted to die. I did not ask about what I could expect. I didn’t ask about the pain I would feel. I did not ask about how I will lose my independence. I already knew what to expect from my last months or weeks of my life.

Instead, I told the palliative care team what I wanted. I told them how I wanted to die. I wanted to die in my family home. I did not want to spend my last days in a hospital. I wanted to die in the bed I share with my husband. I did not want to be forced into a single hospital bed away from my husband.

I know that my last weeks aren’t going to be nice and I am either going to be in pain or out to it on painkillers, but all I can wish for is an ounce of control. Control that cancer would slowly take away from me.

Exciting additions to my 'quasi-bucket list'...

For those of you that follow me on my Dear Melanoma Facebook Page, you would know that I have been in a bit of a slump. I have been travelling along Struggle Street for the last few weeks. I have been sad, moody, irritable, and most of all, I have been lost… Poor Serge probably needs a man date after what I have given him the last few weeks!

I have been struggling with finding purpose in despair. I feel like I am living a life in limbo… and I am still not good at the limbo! Do I continue living life like I only have months to live OR do I go back to what my plans were prior to cancer (study, work, etc.)?

My fear of leaving a widow behind...

As many people would know I have a slight (raging) obsession for the show Offspring (Yes, I had to make sure that you didn’t think I was talking about the band)!

One of the hardest part of living in East Timor was missing out on watching Offspring. East Timor failed me on two levels. Firstly, I couldn’t rely on the local, not so legal, DVD shop to be up-to-date with the most recent episodes. And, secondly, my internet connection couldn’t refresh Facebook, let alone watch TV online. So, what does a girl do…I would rely on my trusty mother to record all the episodes and I would have an Offspring marathon when I came home for a holiday (skin checks) every three months. She is a good woman!

The dreaded bucket list...

One of my biggest internal struggles on my cancer journey has been with the sometimes exciting, but largely depressing, notion of a bucket list.

My choosing to have, or not to have, a bucket list would change every few weeks. But I realise now, the weeks when I was pro-bucket list I was convincing myself that ‘living in the moment’ and ‘making the most of life’ were phrases that instilled purpose and happiness in a time of uncertainty and sadness. However, when thinking about what I would write on my bucket list, I did not feel like I had purpose and I definitely did not feel happy. Instead, I felt defeated, upset, and I felt like I was dying.

For me, a bucket list was a reminder of what I could not have.

Our love story: Serge's version...

Now to introduce Serge’s version of our ‘love story’.

Serge has given me permission to share this, but what he doesn’t know is that I have chosen to point out the inaccuracies in his story. Hopefully I won’t get in too much trouble!

I am sure after reading this post, and my previous posts, you will agree that I am so lucky to have found Serge. I think Serge was put on this earth to be my rock, my support, and my light. Serge brings so much happiness to each day, even during the lowest of lows. 

Enjoy!