For those of you that follow me on my Dear Melanoma Facebook Page, you would know that I have been in a bit of a slump. I have been travelling along Struggle Street for the last few weeks. I have been sad, moody, irritable, and most of all, I have been lost… Poor Serge probably needs a man date after what I have given him the last few weeks!
I have been struggling with finding purpose in despair. I feel like I am living a life in limbo… and I am still not good at the limbo! Do I continue living life like I only have months to live OR do I go back to what my plans were prior to cancer (study, work, etc.)?
Tonight I cannot share with you my answer to this conundrum, nor do I think this is worth too much concentration when I am in this frame of mind. Instead tonight, I am going to have fun and add to a small list I started a few months ago.
You might remember that I wrote a blog back in July about my struggle with the idea of a bucket list, 'The Dreaded Bucket List'. Here is a snippet of what I wrote:
‘One of my biggest internal struggles on my cancer journey has been with the sometimes exciting, but largely depressing, notion of a bucket list.
My choosing to have, or not to have, a bucket list would change every few weeks. But I realize now, the weeks when I was pro-bucket list I was convincing myself that ‘living in the moment’ and ‘making the most of life’ were phrases that instilled purpose and happiness in a time of uncertainty and sadness. However, when thinking about what I would write on my bucket list, I did not feel like I had purpose and I definitely did not feel happy. Instead, I felt defeated, upset, and I felt like I was dying.
For me, a bucket list was a reminder of what I could not have.’
My answer to this conundrum was not to write a list a traditional bucket lists full of things that I MUST do before I die. Instead, I decided to put together a list of things that bring joy to my everyday life.
So, tonight to cheer me up and bring me out of my slump, if only for a bit, I add to my original very small list of only three items! Exciting!
· To always have beautiful flowers in our home
· To always order pavlova if it is on the menu at a restaurant (thank goodness it isn’t often on the menu or I would be living at the gym!)
|My favourite Sushi partner, my nephew Max.|
· To have a ‘fold-down’ (all cushions removed from my bed and the blankets turned down) by Serge every night (Serge is keeping up about 90% of the time).
· Enjoy Sushi Train often.
· Always have a bottle of champagne in the fridge and drink from nice champagne flutes. This should not be limited to special occasions.
· Eat Caramello Koalas whenever I feel the urge.
· Enjoy regular massages.
· Make my English Breakfast Tea obsession extra special by drinking out of my favorite fine china teacup and saucer.
· Buy cherries and eat them like they are going out of fashion.
· Make having my hair dyed a 6-weekly occurrence and always follow it with a blow dry, even when I am going straight to the gym after (Yay for Hollywood hair!)
· Always have beautiful nails (manicures and pedicures are never to be considered wasted money!)
· Always have my favourite white wine on stock at home.
· Remember that there is always time for weekends away.
· Enjoy our new puppy, Mr Ralph.
|Mr Ralph will bring many smiles to this household.|
I am going to print this list out and put it on our fridge as a reminder to enjoy everyday. There are always going to be sad days on this journey, but everyday I look at my nails, enjoy a glass of wine, hop into a prepared bed, and give Ralph a hug, you can be sure that there will be a smile on my face.
And, on an exciting side note, this list is going to form the inspiration for my big cocktail party fundraiser for early next year! Think pavlova, champagne, cherries, flowers – Does that sounds exciting or does that sound exciting?!?!