As long as its not cancer, I can manage...

Saturday, June 20, 2015
I never thought that I would so casually say, ‘as long as its not cancer, I can manage’ or ‘it is better than the alternative – dying’. However, this has become my reality. It has become my mantra this week.

As those that follow the Dear Melanoma Facebook Page would know, I have had a bit of a rough trot emotionally. However, this last week I have had some scans and tests that fall outside my normal scheduled trial scans. Enter stress, fear, worry and absolute panic mode.

The last month I have been Ms Twitchy McTwitch. I randomly developed a twitch that is the epitome of annoying. Most (lets be honest, pretty much everyone) that I mentioned it to felt the need to share their story of how they often have twitches and it is due to stress or fatigue. I am very well aware that this may be the case as it is not the first twitch that I have had in my almost 24 years, but what sets my special twitch apart is the fact that I have CANCER – CANCER IN MY BRAIN. For me, it is not quite so easy to dismiss it as just fatigue or stress, but instead I fear that this may be an indicator that something is happening in that brain of mine or potentially could be a sign that the cancer has spread to my spinal chord.

A month ago I decided that I probably should email my oncologist about my pretty hilarious twitch. After discussing with my doctor, we did not think that it was caused by the melanoma as I had not long had scans of my brain and my brain was looking beautiful (for a cancer patient). However, the reality of being on a clinical trial - a drug that has not been used for long periods of time in patients - is that we don’t know the full extent of side effects. This little twitch could indeed be a side effect that is not often seen in patients or not documented (mum thinks it is pretty cool that I may have discovered a new side effect… lets not get ahead of ourselves, Tamsy!).  With this in mind, we needed to explore the reason for this twitch and most importantly rule out melanoma, so we booked an EEG, bloods and would wait for my trial scans that were scheduled less than 3 weeks later.
EEG time!! (I am normally not one to edit photos, but TRUST
ME it was so necessary to have this in black and white!
 At the beginning of last week I went into twitching overdrive, so once again I sent an email to my doctor with the whole ‘BTW my twitches are going a bit crazy, should I be concerned?’, while I was secretly panicking on the inside. Half an hour later I had my nurse on the phone scheduling an appointment with my oncologist the next day, booking ‘emergent’ (alarm bells went off at this word’) MRI scans of my spine and brain and an EEG. (Side note: how amazing are my doctor and nurse, no time spent mucking around with them!).

On Thursday, after 2 hours spent in the MRI machine and an hour having my EEG test, I hit my emotional limit. I was freaking out. I was confident that it wouldn’t be cancer, and as I said earlier ‘as long as its not cancer, I can manage’, but I couldn’t believe my life had come to this.

My perspective on life has changed.

Many people would consider this as a great thing – you learn to embrace life and not sweat the little things, but I don’t want to live a life where I only allow myself to experience hurt, fear, anger, and stress when it comes to my melanoma and dying. I deserve to feel all the emotions that have come with a week of the unknown.

The scans and doctors appointments brought many emotions that I had been trying to quash for the past month to the forefront of my mind. I started to go back to the feelings I had when I wrote the blog post ‘I don’t want to die. Was this because someone, not that much older than me, that I had met and shared my experience with was in palliative care and now has passed away? Did this make me think about what my experience with death is going to be? Am I going to be in pain? If the cancer has indeed spread to my spinal chord, how will this impact my quality of life? Am I going to be able to stay at home with my family? It made me angry that I will not have the option that Brittany Maynard (who I have written about here) to end her life under the Dignity in Death laws.

Rest time with Ralph always makes sick me feel better!
This is my life now. Although this twitch was not likely to change my prognosis, my mind jumped to death. I found out the hard way, that a simple twitch can cause everything to come to the surface. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not sad or don’t think about the fact that I have been dealt pretty shit cards, but on a whole I manage to keep on plodding along and put that (sometimes forced) smile on my face.

So, where am I at with this twitch? To the best of our knowledge, it is not the cancer spreading– woohoo! But, my EEG did show up some mild little problem that we aren’t sure exactly what it is. So I am off to the neurologist tomorrow morning. We are thinking it is a side effect of the pembrolizumab (keytruda), but not a big enough problem to warrant coming off trial – afterall, a twitch is much better than dying!

Tomorrow I will hopefully fix the twitch, but I will also be making an appointment with the Cancer Council psychologists to help deal with some of these emotions. Sometimes I think this is more of an emotional journey than a physical one!

AND anyone that feels the need to tell me that you are only dealt the cards you are strong enough to handle – I call BULLSHIT!


  1. Emma, I don't know what to say. I have no comprehension of the emotional and physical torment you are going through and I'm certainly not going to offer any 'well meaning' advice. That would be-little the wonderful woman that you are. The fact that you can write and get some of it out is a testament to your strength and brilliance. I hope you can feel the heart-felt well wishes and want for strength and healing that I have for you and...I hope they make a difference....some how. I hope this week is a brighter one for you. Axx

  2. I have only recently come across your blog, and as an oncology nurse of 17 years, the insights into your cancer experience have been cause for me to examine the way in which l care for, interact and respond to those with cancer. Thank you for sharing such personal and difficult information. I wish you nothing but stable scans, an abundance of love, and of course, minimal twitching! Xox

  3. Emma, I stumbled across your blog and want to firstly say how brave I think and know you are for sharing your life journey. I'm with you calling BULLSHIT on the cards that have been dealt. Truth be told, Melanoma sucks. Your story has allowed me to sit, read and remember my beautiful Aunty who was taken by this horrible disease. She was a fellow redhead and didn't really go out in the sun much as we do burn quite easily. She had a mole removed from under her arm years earlier and also had the lymph glands removed too to ensure that there was no spreading of any potential cancer. Years later she started to lose the ability to sign her name due to her hand and arm not responding. She found that she was dragging her right leg some days and also had facial twitches. A visit to the doctor and many scans later found the melanoma was growing inside her at a rapid pace.....stage 4. It had spread to her brain and she was told that unfortunately there was not much that could be done and had a 4 month life expectancy. This was 13 years ago and she passed within the 4 month period. There were limited trials back then and I am so glad to hear that you are able to take on a trial. I wish you all the love and support in the world and know how hard it must be dealing with melanoma. I will continue to follow your blog and know that you are a very strong lady with so much to share. You are an inspiration to us all. Stay strong, keep fighting and know that you are surrounded with loved ones and strangers who are all praying for you. Thank you again xx

  4. Cuddling a cute puppy will really will talking to your psychologist. You are doing everything right and I admire you so much for sharing all your hopes and fears with us. Thank you xx
    Carolyn (UK)

  5. Emma, the journey is very emotional, not withstanding those dealing with really disabling and physical torments.
    When I get a twitch it panics me and stops me in my tracks.
    I hope the psycologist was/is able to give you peace. You don't have to be strong and handle with these crappy cards you have been dealt. I agree it's BS.
    May you always have a hand to hold, an ear to listen and a heart to understand you.

  6. Emma, popped in to see how the world was going for you. Having finished my 'brain zapping' over 10 days, then losing my hair afterwards, feel I have been on that emotional roller coaster as well. I'm glad you still have your lovely hair. Tomorrow I visit the radiologist, just for a chat I suppose. Like you, with your twitches, losing hair is better than dying. You write well and you are generous in your sharing how you feel. I also had a CAT scan Tuesday to make sure everything is still going well. I feel great!! Too bad it's that 'thing' inside me that says otherwise. Hope you are enjoying your home and I love the photo with your little companion. Enjoy the moment Emma and thank you for sharing.

  7. Emma,

    I recently posted a blog post about my melanoma & in reading this, I am proud of you for sharing. I have been through an emotional four years that have been unrelated to cancer & due to recovering from being hit by a drunk driver. The emotional journey has been tough, like yours & I wish I would have researched more while recovering to glean inspiration from others.

    Don't stop for your sake and for ours. We all need each others motivation.

    Here is my most recent post, but I have many moments that I"ve shared that may help you as well. I will continue to stop in to say hello!

  8. Emma I am so sorry you are going through this. I think about you often, as I know many other people would too.

    X Liz

  9. You’re very brave for posting in your blog about your illness. It would take guts in order to fully write this without getting too emotional. I couldn’t imagine how the happiest and most positive people could be stricken with some of the most difficult problems ever. It is emotionally jarring just to think about it. Stay strong and positive, Emma! Always remember that there’s always going to be brighter and happier days ahead for you.

    Derek Walsh @ Simply Insure


Thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate you taking the time to connect. Emma x

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